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NightChild27
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Name: Courtney
Gender: Female
Interests: Listening to music of all kinds. Talking online to my friends. Just having fun with the people I love. Partying and dancing. Writing stories and poetry and just using my imagination.
Expertise: Writing and Giving Advice
Occupation: Student
Industry: High School
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  nightchild277
Member Since:
11/16/2004
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| Here I am. In a whole new state.
Seriously, did anyone ever expect me to actually move? No? I didn't think so. But guess what! We moved to the grand city named Omaha in Nebraska. I don't have much to say on the city since I can't even go out and see the damn place. I'm stuck in a house that was given to us for the first month free. Nice right? However, my mustang decided it was time to die as soon as we got here, thankfully she got us here. She almost didn't make it. But she pulled through. But now that the car don't work and the weather has turned cold I can't go out. Not to meantion that I refuse to carry a 14lb baby on my chest up and down the hills here. No fucking way! It kills me to carry him through a store let alone walking the streets. So, I'm kinda stuck in this place. I hate it (not the house, the being stuck part).
I miss Delaware. I miss handing Tristan over to someone for five minute just to get a simple break from him and his constant screaming. Like right now...Dan is out job hunting while I'm home and Tristan is screaming for no apparent reason. I'm letting him cry it out since nothing I've done has helped calm him down. I think he finally passed out. Yippee!!!
This place is a mess...more like this room. We have a house, 2 story with a basement, 3 bedrooms(counting one in basement), 2 1/2 bathrooms, a kitchen, dining room, and living room. We even got a deck and the basement goes out into the back yard. The backyard is small yet we have grass unlike some cities were you don't even get a yard. Dan, Tristan, and I spend most of the time in the master bedroom. Everything is in it. Tristan sleeps in our room since I'm not ready to move him into his own yet. Hopefully we get to keep this place and make it a home. *crosses fingers*
So what's new? Everyone's in college. >_< I'm jealous, even if I'm not the college type I would love to experience it either way.
No jobs yet...still looking. They say Omaha is full of jobs. Hope they were right.
I think my dad is thrilled to have me gone. It kinda hurts. My mom dies and then my dad wants nothing to do with me. Granted he was kind enough to keep paying for my cell, car, food, and whatever else I or Tristan needed. But still...ugh.
I don't even know what to write really. I'm fucking losing my mind here. It's to quiet. I'm with a baby 24/7 and Dan is usually busy, but thankfully he does take time out through out the day to spend some time with me, even if it's only 10 minutes. We have a game time every night. I've been kicking his ass at UNO! ^_^ But I'm tired and in need of a much deserved break from Tristan. As he gets older he is more of a handful and I'm ready to just hand him to someone to take away for a while. He needs to start walking and talking. He may drive me more crazy than but at least I'll be able to ask whats wrong and get a response.
I'm dying in this house. Dan says it'll get better...just might not happen for a few months. Can you say hello misery?! I'm begging the gods and goddesses to find a way to get me out of this place for a few house. I just want to go to Wal-Mart, Target, and the mall! Just 3 places! But they are all to far away. It's times like now I wish someone would give me a free stroller.
Alright...im ending it here before I kill myself with insanity.
~Courtney
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| Ever since I became pregnant, I was told to put my dreams aside and pay more attention to reality. When things got tough I was repeatingly told, "Welcome to reality, kiddo". Seriously, I wanted to fuck up everyone who said that to me. Whenever I talked about the future and all the things I wanted for my family and myself, I was told to stop dreaming. When things got tough in my family and my relationship with Dan, I was told by a few to break up with Dan because they thought he was treating me badly and that I deserved better. As for my family, I was told to just let it go and that they were just trying to protect me.
Now, a lot has happened. Dan and I still have our fights, just like any normal couple. There is no such thing as a couple getting along 24/7, 365 days a year, especially when you live in a small room with an infant at the same time. Other than our issues of stress related arguements, we always smile and kiss in the end because we love each other and we still stick through everything as a family. My family...my mom has passed and now it's just my dad and his girlfriend that we deal with. Bonnie doesn't give any stress...but she isn't much help either though she tries and thats what counts. Dad is just putting more pressure onto us that we're trying our hardest to make ends meet and to keep a roof over our heads...especially without a job! Tristan is getting bigger and bigger everyday. He's growing up so fast, I worry about what may come in the future and how we'll end up raising him. We want so much for him while at the same time we're stuck in a place we don't wish or want to be.
So, what do we do to avoid the stress around us? We dream. Even when told we should come back to relaity...we keep dreaming. What people don't realize is that, without dreams, we have no encouragement to get a job and move on to the future. Without dreams, no one would want to get out of bed everyday and work hard to get to where they want in their lives.
A while ago, my aunt took me out to the beach for a belated birthday present. While we hung out she asked me what Dan and I wanted for our future and for Tristan. So, I told her everything we wanted. She smiled and told me she was happy that we had such big dreams and that we wanted nothing but the best for Tristan. She told me to keep dreaming because without it, I would just sit here in this little room or on the streets for the rest of my life and do nothing.
As I sit here typing, I'm hopeing more than ever that I'll have a job soon...that someone will call us wanting a job interveiw with us and telling us we are about to make things happen and get on to making our dreams come true.
I hate listening to people, day in and day out, complaining about having to go to work, how much they hate it, how long they have to be there and deal with everything. When I'm sitting at home wishing I had a job just to provide for my family, to get the finer things in life for Tristan, and to get out and start anew with my family without anyones help.
I used to be spolied rotten. Now, at the age of 19, I'm not at all spoiled. I clean the house just to keep the roof over my head for as long as Dad will let us stay. I bust my ass to keep going, never knowing when we'll be told that the end of the road has come and we need to take a turn and move on(meaning getting kicked out). Jobs are scarce. Homes are becoming more expensive. More and more people are living on the streets as we know it. America, is now, once again, failing even deeper into depression(even though everyone kept telling me fucking Obama was going to get us out of it...bullshit!)
But you know what...with everything going on in my life, I'm learning who cares and who doesnt. I'm learning that families, who have always said they'll be there when you need them most, have turned their backs on you. I'm learning that being in a relationship/marriage is tough and you have to hit every bump in the road before it smooths out. I'm learning that being a mom is not all it's cracked out to be, you get sleepless nights and stressful days...but at the same time you can't help but smile and be proud of your little one as they learn something new or simply smile at you.
I have dreams...
I don't forget my past.
I deal and enjoy my present.
I dream about my future.
My dreams are everything to me. They are what gets me by each and every day. They are the things that make me want to wake up each and every morning to once again, do everything in my power to make come true. They keep me going right along with my family.
Without dreams...there is no life to look forward too...
So dream on and never give up.
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| Well, I no longer have a job. I worked for a week and had to quit. The job was almost an hour away and I was spending $10 a day just to get there and back...not even a week and I was broke! My bank account was frozen due to to many mistypes of my pin number. I couldn't ask dad for help since he was dealing with a lot at the moment. So...since I knew I would get fired for not showing up even after calling and explaining that I had no way of getting there, I told her I quit. My manager flipped on me. She never liked me to begin with and I have no idea why. But times weren't working for me there and we didnt have any money! I used everything for fucking gas!
As the month of June went on Dan and I had our anniversary, my birthday, and his birthday. It was all fun. We had dinner from a gift card we took from Dad. We watched movies at home and cuddled. Every single time we managed to get a baby sitter for Tristan. Which helped out a lot since Dan and I need a break here and there from him, plus moments to ourselves.
July 4th, was awesome. We went to Dan's moms and had a mini bar-b-q and Tristan loved the fireworks! All in all it was a great day. The next day was hell...
Neither Dan nor I have a job. No one seems to be hiring at this time since not only is it summer but the economy is failing even more and Delaware doesn't have much to begin with anyway. Since we can't pay rent to live here, my dad made it to where we have to clean and what not to keep living here. Not a problem. I did my best to keep the house clean. Well, I guess I still fail at it because he flipped on us and told us that the house was always a mess and since we seem to be lazy and not do anything. So now we have to have $500 by the end of the month or we're out. This is killing me. I applied everywhere I know. Most places want experience and that I don't have or Dan's issue is that people want degrees just so someone can work on computers and he doesn't have a degree. Right now, we're screwed. I got some of my friends trying to help me out but I'm not sure how far I'm going to get with their help. Dan is looking everywhere. We're looking for shelters and everything, but only Tristan and I would be able to go since we have a car and even without the car Dan wouldn't be allowed with us since we're not married and we can't get married since he doesn't have a birth certificate. It's fucked up. We went to the state to see if we were able to get assistance and it turns out they closed section 8 housing and state assistance due to a 2 year waiting list and the state is running out of money in their budget for it. We can't stay at Dan's mom because she doesn't have the room. My aunt offered to take Tristan and me in but Dan has to have a job in order to live with us. But then he wouldn't be able to get a job because people don't hire the homeless! I swear to god, America is fucking stupid. They want to help the homeless but won't give them jobs? Retarded!!
To top it off...Dad has a girlfriend and they been together for almost a month now. I like her, she's pretty cool. But she has already moved in and I feel like I'm being kicked out because Dad just wants it to be the two of them. I don't blame him one bit. I would love to have a place just for me, Dan, and Tristan. But we can't get damn jobs so we ain't going no where.
I can't even begin to discribe how hungry I am. Dad and Bonnie(his gf), are always cooking and eating something and it's those times I really wish it was my mom again. She always made sure we ate too. They got all kinds of food but nothing that wont end up making me sick. Thankfully, we still got wic so I can still have cereal and Tristan still has formula and what not. I hope one of us gets a job soon because we have to reapply and they usually want a pay stub.
Thankfully, my aunt took Tristan for the night last night so we actually got a good nights sleep without waking up once or twice in the night.
Even though our fighting has increased a bit since we're scared and trying to find the best for us as a family and keep Tristan safe...we're working hard on sticking together as a family and working things out. I can't wait until we one day have a place together. All this stress is killing Dan and I. I hate fighting with him because its always about the same thing...Stress and Money. We're trying and NO I WONT LEAVE HIM! So anyone who even fucking suggests that can go to hell!
I'm done.
~Courtney
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| Alright, so ever since mom passed, dad has been making the house his own. We now have to have a SPOTLESS HOUSE. I'm not even remotely joking when I say SPOTLESS! The kitchen sink must be completely free of a single drop of water. The counters, stove, floor, kitchen table, everything must be free of water, food splatter spots, dust, anything that makes the kitchen look a tiney winey bit dirty. We're not even allowed to leave dishes on the counter or in the sink! I'm talking dirty or clean dishes! It's fucking annoying! I was not fucking raise like this! He gets pissy when I leave a little bit of water in the sink. I'm sorry, this is all new to me! I'm used to my MOM! Not your stupid cleanfreak ass! MY MOM!
To top it off I just got a job! Yay me! I applied one day and they gave me a interview the next day and I was working the day after that! Talk about some kick ass luck. ^_^ I'm damn proud of myself, so was dan and everyone else. However, dad gave dan and I a list of chores he wanted done, we haven't had a chance to do them since we been dealing with a semi-sick Tristan, me working, and Dan's fractured rib. So, the day I come home from my first day my dad immediately shoves the undone list of chores in my face and asks if they been done. No, they haven't. I'm sorry, I'm busy! My feet are killing me, I never had to stand on my feet for 8 hours so I'm dying to sit the hell down and take a nap, but I dont. I start cleaning the house a bit and bitching at Dan because I haven't gotten any sleep since we started trying to get Tristan in his crib again and with him not feeling well, it kept me up all night (I let Dan sleep because he hurt himself that night). I bitch about how my feet hurt and I wanna sit down. I bitch about how I feel like a fucking maid because I'm the only one who cleans this house. My dad doesn't do shit and although Dan does some stuff, he cares of Tristan most of the time and Tristan doesn't behave while I'm out (sources: Dan and neighbors(friends)). Well, I finally give in to Dan telling me to sit down and rest and to tell my Dad I'll do it later. So, I tell my Dad I'll do it Friday(today) since I don't work Saturday and don't have to worry about being to bed at a certain time. He nods his head, so I assume I'm good to go. Nope, around 9pm, he brings it to my attention that he wants it done Friday night. WHAT!! You could've fucking said something, asswipe! I could've been cleaning and been done most of the chores by now! Ugh! Son of a fucking bitch. I swear I hate him so damn bad. I'm tired of this. He just walked in the room a few minutes ago and bitched about me leaving water in the sink from washing stuff that was mom's that he wanted clean. I'm tired, my feet are killing me, I just busted my ass at work and did all but one thing on your list of chores since you have to be in the basement for me to do it, and this is the thanks I get?!
Fuck you! I hate you! You're worse then mom! At least she didn't have fucking high expectations on small shit like you do. I don't give a shit how you were raised. I was raised to be a little messy. I was told that being a little messy was alright and not a bad thing. Hell, I'm still a bit messy and you know what! I love it!
I don't understand why he can't do it. He comes home and sits in his chair and watches television. He doesn't help out around the house at all. I can't wait til we find a place to live and move the hell away from him! I can't see him keeping this place up to his standards when we're gone since he can't even get off his own ass to do it now.
Good luck!
~Courtney
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| I found out Monday morning that I was really going to graduate Polytech! I was so happy that I hugged Mr.Kellem. Lol. I think he was happy just to get rid of me once and for all. I've been a pain in his ass this whole semester. Hell, I was a pain in the ass this whole year. Now it's all paying off and I'm finally leaving. Although now, in a way I wish I wasn't I'll miss the place and being able to sleep through the class. You can't get a job where you get nap times. Lol. But this day has finally come! I will offically be a high school graduate at 7pm tonight.
As for the rest of my life, my mom is gone, but she'll be there tonight. I know she will. I miss her greatly and hope she is okay where she is. Wherever she is. I'm not relgious so the whole "heaven" or "hell" thing just doesn't work for me.
Dan and I are having a lot of problems. We have major communication issues. I really want this to work. We were fine until Tristan, once he came along stress did too. It only got worse when he lost his job. I hate having to beg for his attention. I hate having to always fight with him, knowing it will get me no where. I want him to get away from the computer and not spend our last few dollars on cigarettes, even if I want him to because he's a depressed asshole when he goes through the withdrawl. I don't want him to quit smoking! It keeps him calm and its legal. He's always to busy "working" on the computer to even think about spending time with me. Tristan gets his attention from time to time since Dan does help out as far as being a father. He told me a few weeks ago that I need to quit asking for attention because it annoys him and that even he needs space. So, I stopped asking. It's still hard on me because there are times when thats all I want. He gets mad because when he wants to go back to the computer after cuddling, that I try to keep him with me. I hate only getting five minutes of his time. I feel like I'm not wanted. He got upset the other day when Tarah took Tristan and all we did was clean the entire day when he wanted time with me. He knew we'd be cleaning all day, I told him that. I don't know where he thought we'd get a break and spend time together. My dad needed all the help he could get, so of course I decided to clean and help out. I'm getting so tired of feeling like I'm on a one way street. I want him to talk to me. I've tried everything I can think of. If we get another day alone without Tristan, I'm not going to want to play games and hang out. I'm going to want to talk. I want to work things out and cant seem to do that. I feel like he doesn't even want us to work because he gets silent everytime we talk and it irritates the hell out of me because I feel like he's holding back. I want honesty. I want to know what he's thinking even if it means hurting my feelings. Sure, I'll feel hurt and want to cry or pissed off, but at least we'd be getting somewhere in the process. I want words, actions,and emotions. I wish he'd put his wall down a bit and let me in. I feel like I'm being cut off his world sometimes. I know I'm not fully apart of it. How can we get married and live the way we do now. I understand that in his mind that we're like this because we're always stuck in a room together and never apart. That my parents cause a lot of stress. My mom was a major cause, now she's not here and we're still fighting. I wish I didn't have to always try and get his attention. I always have to wait to get whatever I ask for. Even if its something extremely simple. However, if Chris texts me saying he wants to smoke with Dan, Dan jumps and runs out the door. Although, I'll give him credit yesterday for saying no because Tristan was screaming at the top of his lungs. But still. It's like whatever Chris says, he jumps and does. But whatever I say, its "she can wait" or "it can be done later". I feel like he's to busy to even acknowlegde me, to busy to want to spend time with me, to busy to even care. The other night he told me he had no simpathy for me and didn't care about certain things. But yesterday he says he cares about some things. I'm totally lost on that. He litterally told me he didnt give a shit about anything and all of a sudden he does. We want to stay together, but I don't see that happening when this is our relationship. I hate it. I love him, but I hate our relatiosnhip. It's not fun or good anymore. It's fighting, screaming, yelling, ignoring, walking out on each other. Where it once was, loving, affection, caring, laughing, playing, and enjoying one another. I'm scared to spend the rest of my life with him because this is what our relationship has become and trying to fix it hasn't gotten us anywhere. I want to be with him for the rest of my life and more, but it is something he wants too? I don't get any sign of him wanting to do something. I always wonder if he's with me because of Tristan and thats it. He always says he loves me, but there are so many times where I wonder if he really does. Our fighting overcomes our small moments of affection and love. So how do I communicate with him? How do I make the right decsion on what is best for the both of us and Tristan. I don't want him growing up and dealing with parents who always fight. It's not good for him. I want him to have both parents who love each other and are able to communicate and compromise on things. I feel like our relationship is just stuck in a spot that we cant get out of. We cant move on and we cant turn back, we're stuck until we find a solution somewhere. I wish I could tell him everything I think. I wish I could share my hopes, dreams, fears, and 100% of my love with him. But I feel that I can because I feel that he doesn't want all that... So where do we go now? Where does this get better? Where is our solution? Where does 100% of our love come back?
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